Lost & Found

People couldn’t seem to help giving advice when I was pregnant. Majority of it was appreciated. Some of it was frustrating. Some of it was pure gold.

One of the things I didn’t expect to hear was: “you have to make sure you don’t lose yourself.” I ventured to ask more as I had never considered that having a child would cause me to “lose” myself in any way. I asked if they meant that I needed to take time out, go see a movie every once in a while, take an hour when hubby returned home to have a relaxed shower & read a chapter of a book. I asked if they meant it was because there was less time for themselves to pursue hobbies. Nope. Of the five women who warned me of this like it was the end of days, all five stated that from the minute their babies were born they weren’t themselves ever again…

None of this really worried me. Throughout my pregnancy I was pretty chill about the prospect of birth & everything after that. But it sat in the back of my mind.

In some of the weeks that followed Charli’s birth, the words of those women came back to haunt me… they seemed close to true & I felt as though I had fallen in to an endless cycle of washing formula stains out of cot sheets & trying to stay awake during night feeds. The endless streak of bodily ailments certainly didn’t help me feel any better & daily anxiety with an equal dose of depression became the steady grind… I started to muse over their words & doubt myself.

My life has changed - no doubt about it; from making life decisions to watching TV shows.

I have had the same disc of Friends episodes play 4 times & I still haven’t seen the whole thing. I drive slower. My handbag is in the back of the closet & only makes appearances once a month or so now. It took a lot of thinking before we picked a new car to buy. There was a lot of consideration before we planned our next holiday. My body is entirely different to pre-pregnancy. There are only a couple of nights a week my Husband & I are awake enough to talk to one another in depth. Obviously, there are a million other things.

Then today, I suddenly found my answer. I was pushing mortar into weep holes around my brother’s house when a pair of tiny white & pink striped socks fell out of the top of my singlet. I had stuffed them in my shirt to make a quick escape from the crowded nurse’s room where Charli was weighed earlier that morning.

For some reason or another, my mind went through it all then, everything from the past nine & a half weeks. With mortar coved hands, I stuffed the socks back in my top & smiled.

I do everything I would have done before Charli was born – if a little slower. I still read. I still give rock-star level performances in the car & shower. I lay turf in spring & make sure the dogs have ice through the summer. I ask questions when I’m not sure & lean on the people I need to. There are also times I have confidence to put an entire car-yard sales team to shame. I still go to my brothers & fill weep holes with mortar & cut timber for the deck that he is currently building. I also cut up lunch & make dinner for the other helping hands. I stop in between it all at the moment to play Mum which in the years to come will evolve into something different all the time.

The ladies were right to some extent. From the second Charli made her first cry & lay on my chest, my life shifted. Absolutely nothing else mattered but the health & happiness of this new little human.  But, I do being Ash so much better as Charli’s Mum. I enjoy all of the same things for myself but I choose to do things with the knowledge that it impacts Charli & that my little girl will be watching my every move from now on. I want her to watch all of the things I do & all of the things I can’t do; the day-to-day grind, the accomplishments, the attempts & the failures alike.

Becoming a mother & my beautiful daughter has filled my life with more purpose & strength than ever before.

I have not lost but I have found.