People couldn’t seem to help giving
advice when I was pregnant. Majority of it was appreciated. Some of it was
frustrating. Some of it was pure gold.
One of the things I didn’t expect to
hear was: “you have to make sure you don’t lose yourself.” I ventured to ask
more as I had never considered that having a child would cause me to “lose”
myself in any way. I asked if they meant that I needed to take time out, go see
a movie every once in a while, take an hour when hubby returned home to have a
relaxed shower & read a chapter of a book. I asked if they meant it was because
there was less time for themselves to pursue hobbies. Nope. Of the five women
who warned me of this like it was the end of days, all five stated that from
the minute their babies were born they weren’t themselves ever again…
None of this really worried me.
Throughout my pregnancy I was pretty chill about the prospect of birth &
everything after that. But it sat in the back of my mind.
In some of the weeks that followed
Charli’s birth, the words of those women came back to haunt me… they seemed
close to true & I felt as though I had fallen in to an endless cycle of
washing formula stains out of cot sheets & trying to stay awake during
night feeds. The endless streak of bodily ailments certainly didn’t help me
feel any better & daily anxiety with an equal dose of depression became the
steady grind… I started to muse over their words & doubt myself.
My life has changed - no doubt about it;
from making life decisions to watching TV shows.
I have had the same disc of Friends
episodes play 4 times & I still haven’t seen the whole thing. I drive
slower. My handbag is in the back of the closet & only makes appearances
once a month or so now. It took a lot of thinking before we picked a new car to
buy. There was a lot of consideration before we planned our next holiday. My
body is entirely different to pre-pregnancy. There are only a couple of nights
a week my Husband & I are awake enough to talk to one another in depth. Obviously,
there are a million other things.
Then today, I suddenly found my answer. I
was pushing mortar into weep holes around my brother’s house when a pair of
tiny white & pink striped socks fell out of the top of my singlet. I had
stuffed them in my shirt to make a quick escape from the crowded nurse’s room
where Charli was weighed earlier that morning.
For some reason or another, my mind went
through it all then, everything from the past nine & a half weeks. With
mortar coved hands, I stuffed the socks back in my top & smiled.
I do everything I would have done before
Charli was born – if a little slower. I still read. I still give rock-star
level performances in the car & shower. I lay turf in spring & make
sure the dogs have ice through the summer. I ask questions when I’m not sure
& lean on the people I need to. There are also times I have
confidence to put an entire car-yard sales team to shame. I still go to my
brothers & fill weep holes with mortar & cut timber for the deck that
he is currently building. I also cut up lunch & make dinner for the other
helping hands. I stop in between it all at the moment to play Mum which in the
years to come will evolve into something different all the time.
The ladies were right to some extent. From
the second Charli made her first cry & lay on my chest, my life shifted.
Absolutely nothing else mattered but the health & happiness of this new
little human. But, I do being Ash so
much better as Charli’s Mum. I enjoy all of the same things for myself but I
choose to do things with the knowledge that it impacts Charli & that my
little girl will be watching my every move from now on. I want her to watch all
of the things I do & all of the things I can’t do; the day-to-day grind,
the accomplishments, the attempts & the failures alike.
Becoming a mother & my beautiful
daughter has filled my life with more purpose & strength than ever before.
I have not lost but I have found.
