The things no one can ever tell you

Every pregnancy, labour & birth story are different. In saying that, no amount of story-telling & sharing different experiences can possibly prepare you for your own. This story is mine alone & I'm sharing it because I love it & I am amazed by it even now.

This is a follow on from my very first post on this blog. I left that at square on midnight when I was tucked into my hospital bed by a wonderful nurse. She had made every effort to make me comfortable through my pains that had quickly gone from irregular & notable to consistent & increasingly uncomfortable. I'm a lightweight for drugs - a half of a Panadeine Forte can tide me through most pains & sometimes put me to sleep. I had been given a full 2 of these on top of a sleeping tablet to put me out for what remained of the night.

Approximately 40 minutes after my tuck-in & pain relief I was doing laps of my hospital room. I don't remember sending Jake a message: "Holy crap J, this pain is really intense & it's only the beginning". I do remember finally hitting my buzzer for a nurse - the same bed-tucker-inerer came to see me. She watched me do a lap of the room as I explained that my pain was becoming much more frequent & intense. After another one of those lovely examinations to check if I was any more dilated, she told me to wait until she rang through to birth suites & she would let me know when to call my Husband to come in. I waited. I paced. That is all I remember until I was finally given the okay to call Jake. I had no concept of time then but I now know that I had walked around the small circle of my hospital room for over 2 hours. I called Jake & apparently told him to "Call Mum & tell her to get ready. Come in now" This happened just as a midwife named Lauren came & walked me down to Birth Suites.

As I walked into the suite where I would give birth, my waters broke. I dropped drawers & the nurse calmly told me that Charli had done a poo in the womb and would need to be monitored throughout the labour. That really went over my head a little at the time. Not for lack of knowing that it wasn't ideal for bub, but because all I could think of was how to deal with the pain I was in right then.

Heat is my friend where pain is concerned - I've always relied on hot baths & heat packs to soothe whatever aches & pains I have. Throughout my pregnancy & in the lead up to birth, I had strongly opted for not having an epidural. I knew that statistically an epidural could lead to a cesarean, something I did not want to recover from, especially with Jake having so little time off work post birth. I had told Jake a number of times that if it came to him having to advocate for me, to not let me get an epidural. We had packed Jake's board-shorts & rashie so that he could get into the bath or shower with me if I needed him to - that was my plan - the shower, the bath & a lot of walking.

So, after being told Charli would need to be monitored for the remainder of the labour, I simply asked when I could get in the bath. The midwife followed up with "You won't be able to get in the bath because we need to be able to monitor baby." 

I remember a little bit of the panic starting right then. How was I supposed to go through this without my damn bath!? I strongly felt the need to have warmth on every part of my body below the chest. My reaction was to then demand a shower as I paced the room, to which the midwife replied that they would need a waterproof monitor which they would have to find. Until then I needed to come to the bed & either lay or stand beside it - I could not pace the room right now - I needed to be on the monitor.

At this I mustered all of the calm that I could & stood at the side of the bed using it to lean & sway, taking side to side steps holding onto the thought that I would be in the shower soon & that would help.

Suddenly I was alone. There was no one in the birth-suite, which seemed to have grown into an abyss of cold & discomfort. The panic really set in. I remember calling out "Hello!" a few times before simply getting the shits:

"Would someone PLEASE HELP!!"

Lauren the midwife then came back into the room, a little miffed that I was yelling at her. This was the conversation that followed:

Lauren: "We are very busy down here tonight" 

Brain: Well excuse me for having a baby...

Me: "When can I get in the shower?"

Lauren: "There are no water-proof monitors; you can't get in the shower"

Brain: Noooononononono. 

More panic sets in.

Me: "Give me gas then, I can't do this, I need gas."

Wordless shitty-at-the-labouring-woman Lauren wheels over the gas & gives me the tube. It really does jack shit for me at the time. I suck on the mouthpiece as hard as I can but given I have gotten myself into a full on panic by this point, it wasn’t much help. It also began to make me very dizzy and I could not stand independently.

So there I was, draped over the edge of the bed with monitors swinging off me everywhere, sucking on a tube that seemed to only be making it harder to deal with the pain, not helping it. I could not get to the bath, the shower or even pace the room & I kept being left on my own. With all of my coping mechanisms stripped away, panic was now at top notch. All I can remember saying the next time I was graced with Lauren's presence was “I can’t do it, get the epidural now."

After being promised she would get it organised, she offered me some morphine. What's that? Another drug to help me deal with this blinding pain? Yes, please. Shoot me up, sister!

Jake and Mum arrive & I am then given the morphine, but not before making it perfectly clear to Jake that after all of my ranting about not having an epidural, I was having one & this was not one of those times when I say I'm not okay & he can then follow up with "You're okay". He got the message straight away...
I don't remember most of the rest first hand; to me it was just black, contraction & black again. Jake told me that during the hours that followed before an epidural was finally administered, he was on heat pack duty, holding a pack to my abdomen the entire time in the most awkward position possible. Mum remained across the bed from me, giving my gas when a contraction would come. I cried when Jake recounted what had transpired in those wee morning hours. He told me I would rouse on him if the heat pack went into slightly the wrong spot & also that I had told my Mum to please get the gas tube out of my face. I don't recall a very large portion of this time & cringe to think that I was in such a place to be so rude to my support team. I do recall calling out to Mum every time she let go of my hand, "Don't leave me" even though she was only going to get more water or ice.

Finally an anaesthetist arrived, I don't know how but I was suddenly in a sitting position on the side of the bed. Having watched an epidural be administered before, I knew that I had to stay as still as possible so I would panic when a contraction would come on as they were working. Mum & Jake were holding a hand each when suddenly my 6'3" Husband started to get light-headed. Having next to no sleep himself & nothing to eat he was on his way to passing out when they nurse quickly pushed a chair in behind him & rushed to get a cordial. Poor waif.

Suddenly it's daylight, Lauren the cranky midwife has left & there are now 2 ladies seeing to me - a midwife & student. They have checked my cervix again & we have reached 8cm. I am finally becoming more aware of what is going on & am able to hold conversations. Jake had contacted Lana, my best friend who had long ago organised to take photos at the birth. Lana was on her way to the hospital & now that I was no longer in pain, Mum & Jake were organising themselves food & coffee. I chugged some Gatorade to get my energy up & started to notice my breathing was funny. Panic setting in again, I told the nurses how I felt & they quickly got to work - the epidural had worked a little too well. My chest was numb & although my body was doing the action of breathing & I was getting all of the oxygen I needed - I couldn't feel it.

It took some time but the drug started to ease off, getting lower & lower in my body. This was tested with little ice packets. If I could feel the cold, it had worn off... 

To me the hours went quickly then - they had taken the epidural drug way down & I could feel contractions now & needed gas to work through them. In all of the time that had passed, though - my labour had slowed right down, just as I had feared it would after having an epidural. In went the hormone drip to get things happening again. It worked.

The doctor on duty who insisted on being called "Matt" was a godsend. He had been there for a previous presentation during pregnancy & both Jake & I had been so impressed with his demeanour & care we had jokingly said we would have to arrange to give birth while he was on shift. Our little wish-joke had come true. Matt had been in & out of the room during the day, checking on things always with a kind word to me & a pat on the leg. Now he strode in full of purpose, clapping his hands together - "Let's get this baby out!"

Sure thing, Dr Matt.

Although I could now feel my contractions I wasn't confident of when I should push & the student midwife coached me through the entire process. I'd check if it was okay to go & I would push with everything I had. For the longest time leading up to labour, I had been so concerned about making sure I was wearing a decent crop-top. Some of mine are slightly see-through & knowing Lana would be taking photos, I wanted to be covered up. But as I went from on my back, to my side, to all fours, the hospital gown was stripped away. So there I ended up completely starkers with 4 nurses, 2 doctors, a paediatrician & my support team watching. I simply didn't care.

After an hour and a half of pushing, I had completely lost hope. To me, I had pushed with absolutely all my might & there had been little to no progress. I felt like it was never going to work. Back onto my back now, I could see Dr Matt making a cutting motion with his fingers. While they prepared to give me an episiotomy, another contraction came on and with a little help from Dr Matt, Charli suddenly came into the world.

At 3:17pm on July 24th my little girl was born. The umbilical cord that was wrapped around her neck was pulled free & she was laid on my chest where she uttered her first little cry. I can't begin to describe the feelings & thoughts that encompassed me at that point. I just know that my entire being shifted in an instant, I now had a new purpose & I embraced that with so much love & contentment I never knew existed.

These are the things no one can ever tell you. From the intense depths of labour to the sudden expansion of your heart that accommodates so much love for this tiny little being, you think you may have even grown a second one... This is something only each person can experience themselves & it is one of the most overwhelmingly amazing things I have ever felt in my life.

Somehow my heart still seems to grow every day, this tiny little person fills it up even more every moment. I am so lucky to be a Mum & can't wait to see what happens in the rest of the adventure of Mummy-hood.